I am hoping my poly family will grow over time and move closer together so we can help each other as we age. We all have various chronic illnesses and neurodiversity’s so it makes logistical sense. Sickness insurance has been invaluable in my first 12 month of recovery. The government aid was non existent. My support cat Izzy on the other hand invaluable.
Thank you for this piece and for raising such important questions. I faced a lot of these issues in my late 30s when I became completely disabled (and childless). I’m fortunate that I’ve got a good community of friends I can count on - I joke that I’ve got a “wide bench”. But they may in time move on with their lives and have families of their own… so I wrestle with alot of the same questions as you.
I’m glad you’ve found a place you love and can build community!
From one childless cat lady to another, thank you for writing this. And can we please join forces to reclaim that term, the way the gay community reclaimed the word 'queer'? 😃
First, thanks to Jody for (as always) illuminating a path for her community to find inspiring people like yourself, Vicki. This is why I follow her comments ;-)
This is my first introduction to your work, Vicki and I'm hooked. I look forward to reading more of your work. I'll be deep diving for sure!
To be honest your questions scares the heck out of me, because I have no idea. I have no idea how to root myself in community. Maybe if someone has a tip or two?
Thank you for this beautiful and honest piece, Vicki! I have long admired your work and, having been thinking/talking/writing about aging without children for a decade, now that I am 60 I too am 'investing in community' in the tiny rural Irish hamlet where I have ended up. I'm so glad to have found you here on Substack and look forward to learning and growing (and aging) in your company. Hugs, Jody x
Thank you Jody for including me on your list of crones! Someone in a comment suggested some convocation of us. I just thought stay the term for a group of Crows is a murder of crows. What term would capture a group of crones. A thunder is crones?
My plan is to find a CCRC that has all types of care on its campus.
I have been researching this for quite a while, and there are a couple places that I have my eye on.
A CCRC is a Continuing Care Retirement Community. Usually they will have Independent Living, Assisted Living and “Memory Care” all on site—the fourth type of care is a Skilled Nursing Facility. The theory being that if you and your spouse need different levels of care, you don’t have to be miles away from each other.
There is wide variety in how these CCRCs are set up, but many have a buy-in fee, and then a monthly fee which covers a set of amenities. Some have low income options, and some have a contracted commitment to continue your care if you outlive your money.
I like truth too. Having done online summits I now imagine some of us doing something like that. Inviting others into the conversation. I've also called this "aging in the manner to which we've become accustomed" iow out loud, inquisitive, inventing, questioning old categories... How boomers have always been.
And the GenXers coming up behind you are very grateful to you for kicking open that door… My mother died last year at 77. She had dementia and was about 15 years younger than anyone else in her nursing home and the only one in leopardskin leggings and JackieO sunglasses. Boomers rock!
One thing I got out of Your Money or Your Life was how important planning is to your life. Same goes for Aging. You don’t have to be single with no kids - or cats. But who knows if Medicaid is going to be around in 5-10 years. I just planned a short but fun trip to Bahamas. It took me weeks of planning just for a 4 day trip. Same should go for aging plus all kinds of contingency plans. I think we get scared of change and freeze when the topic comes to mind. Or fill it with busyness instead of meaningful plans. I’ve been researching moving to Portugal for kicks. Probably won’t but who knows, maybe I will. I also want one of those little electric carts that when I can’t walk - I can buzz around all over. I definitely need to figure out a bra that is easy to be old in! I hate all of mine now!!
You and dozens of other people talk about moving to Portugal! I need to write a post about these conversations about where people imagine they will ride out the apocalypse. Or maybe just ride through. And another one about how I have planned for this time in my life materially... And how well it's working. Every idea beaches intro two other ideas. And being in conversation with readers/friends helps enormously
Thanks for this article, Vicki. Now you have me thinking about the options you mentioned and what others might be available. Even though I am partnered right now (both of us in our 80s) and do have children (who I don't want to rely on if at all possible), it's good to have some thinking around how I might sustain myself. xoA <3
I got stuck at—"And one by one, we are dying," overcome with sorrow. It seems that every damn day I hear of another peer, gone. Some who haven't died, and are younger than I am, have stroked out and feel as out of reach as they'd be if they'd died, but with the added weight of What if anything can I do for them if they don't even know who I am?
Moving past that, as you know, I've built a place that sustains me, there's no mortgage to pay, and I live with a partner almost a decade younger than I am. So far so good. If we don't fulfill the statistical probabilities and I'm in the house alone, the place can be arranged to be comfortable for what I'm told are being called Boommates.
I didn't take Social Security till I was 70 so it's enough to live frugally, which I'm good at. No cat (but yours is magnificent).
100% sure she won’t remain childless for long. And when she no longer is, 100% fertile women will follow her.
I am hoping my poly family will grow over time and move closer together so we can help each other as we age. We all have various chronic illnesses and neurodiversity’s so it makes logistical sense. Sickness insurance has been invaluable in my first 12 month of recovery. The government aid was non existent. My support cat Izzy on the other hand invaluable.
Thank you for this piece and for raising such important questions. I faced a lot of these issues in my late 30s when I became completely disabled (and childless). I’m fortunate that I’ve got a good community of friends I can count on - I joke that I’ve got a “wide bench”. But they may in time move on with their lives and have families of their own… so I wrestle with alot of the same questions as you.
I’m glad you’ve found a place you love and can build community!
From one childless cat lady to another, thank you for writing this. And can we please join forces to reclaim that term, the way the gay community reclaimed the word 'queer'? 😃
Thanks, Vicki! Yes, that’s why we’re here. So sweet to find you here on Substack as well as out and about, especially with your heart for this topic.
First, thanks to Jody for (as always) illuminating a path for her community to find inspiring people like yourself, Vicki. This is why I follow her comments ;-)
This is my first introduction to your work, Vicki and I'm hooked. I look forward to reading more of your work. I'll be deep diving for sure!
thank you.
To be honest your questions scares the heck out of me, because I have no idea. I have no idea how to root myself in community. Maybe if someone has a tip or two?
1. Pick well. Climate resilience. A friend or two who already live there. A house or rental where you can age in place. Farmers markets. Etc.
2. Volunteer. That's how you weave in.
3. Be seen. Hang out in cafe or other places open to public where others gather
4. Patience. It takes about 3 years for locals to trust that you aren't leaving
Thanks for your reply! Phew. These steps sound doable and I am already doing all this. So that feels good to know that I am on track 🙂
PS. The world is no longer predictable. Uncertainty is the name of the game. So practice peace, we'll all need it
Thank you for this beautiful and honest piece, Vicki! I have long admired your work and, having been thinking/talking/writing about aging without children for a decade, now that I am 60 I too am 'investing in community' in the tiny rural Irish hamlet where I have ended up. I'm so glad to have found you here on Substack and look forward to learning and growing (and aging) in your company. Hugs, Jody x
Thank you Jody for including me on your list of crones! Someone in a comment suggested some convocation of us. I just thought stay the term for a group of Crows is a murder of crows. What term would capture a group of crones. A thunder is crones?
I’ve chosen ‘a truth’ of crones as my current favourite choice. I like ‘thunder’ too!
My plan is to find a CCRC that has all types of care on its campus.
I have been researching this for quite a while, and there are a couple places that I have my eye on.
A CCRC is a Continuing Care Retirement Community. Usually they will have Independent Living, Assisted Living and “Memory Care” all on site—the fourth type of care is a Skilled Nursing Facility. The theory being that if you and your spouse need different levels of care, you don’t have to be miles away from each other.
There is wide variety in how these CCRCs are set up, but many have a buy-in fee, and then a monthly fee which covers a set of amenities. Some have low income options, and some have a contracted commitment to continue your care if you outlive your money.
I think Ireland, where I live, is VERY behind the curve on this and the UK not much better…
I like truth too. Having done online summits I now imagine some of us doing something like that. Inviting others into the conversation. I've also called this "aging in the manner to which we've become accustomed" iow out loud, inquisitive, inventing, questioning old categories... How boomers have always been.
And the GenXers coming up behind you are very grateful to you for kicking open that door… My mother died last year at 77. She had dementia and was about 15 years younger than anyone else in her nursing home and the only one in leopardskin leggings and JackieO sunglasses. Boomers rock!
Thanks for highlighting Robin's work, Jody! I watch out for your inspiration & now subscribing to Vicki.
One thing I got out of Your Money or Your Life was how important planning is to your life. Same goes for Aging. You don’t have to be single with no kids - or cats. But who knows if Medicaid is going to be around in 5-10 years. I just planned a short but fun trip to Bahamas. It took me weeks of planning just for a 4 day trip. Same should go for aging plus all kinds of contingency plans. I think we get scared of change and freeze when the topic comes to mind. Or fill it with busyness instead of meaningful plans. I’ve been researching moving to Portugal for kicks. Probably won’t but who knows, maybe I will. I also want one of those little electric carts that when I can’t walk - I can buzz around all over. I definitely need to figure out a bra that is easy to be old in! I hate all of mine now!!
You and dozens of other people talk about moving to Portugal! I need to write a post about these conversations about where people imagine they will ride out the apocalypse. Or maybe just ride through. And another one about how I have planned for this time in my life materially... And how well it's working. Every idea beaches intro two other ideas. And being in conversation with readers/friends helps enormously
Thanks for this article, Vicki. Now you have me thinking about the options you mentioned and what others might be available. Even though I am partnered right now (both of us in our 80s) and do have children (who I don't want to rely on if at all possible), it's good to have some thinking around how I might sustain myself. xoA <3
I got stuck at—"And one by one, we are dying," overcome with sorrow. It seems that every damn day I hear of another peer, gone. Some who haven't died, and are younger than I am, have stroked out and feel as out of reach as they'd be if they'd died, but with the added weight of What if anything can I do for them if they don't even know who I am?
Moving past that, as you know, I've built a place that sustains me, there's no mortgage to pay, and I live with a partner almost a decade younger than I am. So far so good. If we don't fulfill the statistical probabilities and I'm in the house alone, the place can be arranged to be comfortable for what I'm told are being called Boommates.
I didn't take Social Security till I was 70 so it's enough to live frugally, which I'm good at. No cat (but yours is magnificent).
I love every word of this Ann and remember if I can get a young one to drive, I'll come visit