What's a Childless Cat Lady to do?

Some options

Thank you JD Vance, you’ve turned the millions of childless cat ladies into a single demographic - and we can organize. Just watch our tails.

Let’s talk seriously about both our cat-lady privileges and predicaments - versus the traditional trajectory of a traditional parent.

Our privileges are many:

• Time

• Career

• Travel

• Learning about the world beyond our door

Not that people with children can’t do these things, but without the responsibility of children, we have a different rainbow of options beyond mothering.

Our cats don’t take care of us

Single cat lady predicaments are often hidden in a family-centered society

What follows is a sketch of my thoughts. I hope you can help fill this out together. Tell your stories. Share your thoughts. Share links to websites. Tell about teachers who’ve helped you. As you may have noticed, I’m excessively DIY. I have spent a lifetime figuring out how to do anything and everything because I didn’t trust the dominant society to teach me what I needed to survive. I’d do well to hear your thoughts.

Without children, we need to think about deep old age differently. No one has an obligation to help us or care for us. Now what?

Faith will lead us on

As Psalm 121 says: “i will lift mine eyes until the hills; from whence cometh my help?”

The psalm answers: “My help cometh from the Lord, which made heaven and earth.”

This then is one option: to consider the lilies of the field and not think on the morrow.

Our faith tells us to trust in the God of our understanding. Our problem solving egos can only help so much, but faith tells us that whatever is needed in the future will come in some form or another. This might seem a bit Peter Pan, but deep faith is different.

Consider Peace Pilgrim, a woman who walked for peace for 28 years.

"I own only what I wear and carry. I just walk until given shelter, fast until given food," she said at the time. "I don't even ask; it's given without asking. I tell you, people are good. There's a spark of good in everybody."

Also consider the Sufi phrase: Trust in Allah but tether your camel first. Which leads to strategy two for childless cat ladies.

Insurance

If you invest in the best insurance to cover your financial needs as you get older, you can have greater peace of mind, no matter what your circumstance. I haven’t done this, but others have. They have paid a hefty annual cost but long term care insurance, health insurance, homeowner insurance, possessions insurance, auto insurance, annuities, etc. can assure you that you’ll have enough to pay others to care for you.

If this were a book, or if I wanted to submit this to a magazine, I’d have to support this assertion with research and examples, but it’s just us here, speculating on how childless cat and dog ladies and men might manage without family support.

For example, one dear couple is managing the long tail of her dementia with excellent long term care insurance. Her slow decline is an emotional burden but not a financial one.

The State

Researching options in NYC for a dear older friend with no resources, I discovered the ALPs, Assisted Living Programs where people on Medicaid can simply turn over your social security, however much or little that may be. You get a private or semi-private apartment with bath, all your meals and activities. I found half a dozen near where she wants to live, and I’m sure there are more. It turned out that you’d need to be ambulatory to get down to meals, and she is falling too much to be accepted. Instead, she’s in a nursing home, fully paid by Medicaid

Community

I’ve put my apples, or is it eggs, in this basket. In a way, I have no choice. I only have a sister and brother left from a small and disconnected family. Both are older and on the East Coast. I never had children. None of my long term relationships have lasted over 25 years, meaning none are around. I lived in an intentional family, that had lots of stability because the Alpha Man tended us (like sheep? like friends? like help meets?). He was the central magnet so when he died, we went our separate ways. We’re all too old, and scattered, to be much practical help. And one by one, we are dying.

When this group scattered, I instinctively moved to a village on an island in the Pacific Northwest. I have such a long habit of living in community that I wanted to live in one - albeit this time with my own apartment, not just room.

I felt relaxed. I didn’t have to maintain the community daily as we did as a small intentional family stitched together by rituals, patterns, projects and affection. This community was here before me, and would be here after I go. I could participate without having to create, but also create with lots of support from the community. It is diverse in some ways, though not all.

After a while I turned a book advance into owning a house - a miracle! Ownership increased my stake here.

I worked locally to build the capacity of our food system. I’m working on workforce housing. I’m working with the Senior Center that has a major role in aging-in-place. I’m able, in this small county, to promote what will make all of us more climate resilient.

I believe that the unit of survival is healthy, connected local communities - from villages to counties to bio-regions, and I am thrilled to live somewhere small enough to influence choices, and large enough to aspire to community resilience.

In other words, I landed pretty much in Vicki heaven, all things considered.

Each projects has brought more long-term locals into my friendship circle. When I’ve had surgeries I discovered the intimacy of “meal trains” - a sign up tool for people to bring you breakfast, lunch and dinner. There are several couples/families in the farming community who have pledged support as I grow older. I have a green burial plot in the local cemetery. There are 3 co-housing communities within half a mile, and these are community minded people.

I’m not expecting care from any of these, but I am pretty sure that together we’ll figure out how I can get what I need through to the end.

This is my safety net. Barring an earthquake, we are secure. If the ferries stop and the bridge cracks, we’ll be more on our own, but the relocalization projects are increasing our capacity to survive. In a time when so much is cracking, being planted here, with roots, feels safe to me. Plus the other strategies above. Insurance. Government systems. And faith. And, in fact, the DIY, which I’ve often said gives me the capacity to land on my feet. Like a cat.

Over to you

What are you counting on, if you don’t have children to see you through to the end?

And if you have parents, how have you widened their base of support beyond just your back?