I have this stack of invisible books in my To Be Written pile. The pile doesn't shrink when I publish a new book - instead, another takes its place. I wonder sometimes what life will be like when, inevitably, the pile stops growing and shrinks down to nothing. Who will I be then?
I feel like I'm pondering the same questions, except I'm 60. Here's what I concluded. Once a revolutionary . . . activist . . . justice seeker . . . ALWAYS a revolutionary . . . activist . . . just seeker. Maybe it's part of the genetics? Now it's a matter of figuring out how best to serve and contribute beyond the traditional workplace. And writing is an ageless way to contribute. Keep writing!
That is such an interesting thing to ponder; what do people in the public eye do after they "age out?. I think this is becoming more relevant as social media creates more so-called influencers and personal worth is often measured in this forum. I like that you considered that unrealistic idea that everyone with children and grandchildren end up in a comfortable cozy "valley". Media (endless pharmaceutical ads in particular if you're in the US) continues to perpetuate these gauzy images for us to compare our lives.
Please keep asking and musing on these overlooked questions about aging and childlessness.
Thank you Vicki. It's comforting and intriguing to read your thoughts.
THIS: 'I’ve grieved, while celebrating all I’ve been able to do other than mothering.
This is just one example of all I have had to accept about my life."
Grieving while celebrating struck home for me. At the point of choice, in the moment, like Robert Frost's poem, we make the decision—it's hindsight that delivers the story context. Yet, as you say, there's reconciliation and acceptance. I don't regret any of the choices I've made, but I do ponder/wonder sometimes at the 'what could have been'.
What's helping resolve contradictions is seeing my life in a larger context, not to deny the anguish of some choices and the confusion of working a puzzle with pieces from two different scenes. The very cognitive dissonance may be the forge for this acceptance of all of it as just what happened.
YES! The larger context. I've been using this expression...'through the dark days of caregiving I've felt a larger amplitude of emotions, intensity, frequency, duration that's redefined and recalibrated me. In those days, we had to find the sparks of joy within the liminal spaces and the seismic jolts. Thankfully now, the pace is more predictable and even, although the pendulum swings and rollercoaster continue.'
The rollercoaster itself has muted any dissonance. I feel a greater need to appreciate the upward / peak moments IN the rollercoaster, rather than dwell too much on what's outside it.' Does that make sense? In short, the amplitudes have imparted greater wisdom
Thank you for this. As I move through the early years of my 50s, I'm hungry for inspiring examples of elderhood and new narratives that run counter to the mainstream story of decline. I love hearing you speak of ease and expansion in the later stage of life 😊
Thank you for the thoughtful question, "what do old people do?" I think where I can get in trouble is when I unconsciously add, "what are old people supposed to do?" Life only stops when we die -- until then, I believe that we can grow psychologically and spiritually to the very end. And this is the wilderness of the great what's next. Grateful for your essay. It makes me pause and ponder. Sending you all good wishes and goodwill.
Thank you for this essay Vicki, and for your willingness to share the process of 'life review', and that it can be a painful one. I once saw someone wearing a t-shirt that said "I survived my own bullshit" and I've never forgotten it! I have survived mine too, but as you write of your own journey, at what cost? There have been casualities along the way, and whilst I am well aware of the apologies I've never had from a few people, I suspect I've conveniently erased the few that others are owed from me...
You are now the age my mother would have been, had she not died of dementia last year, and her bullshit (and the intergenerational bullshit she had to ingest from her own mother) made her a very difficult person to love, but I loved her anyway. I wish she had lived long enough and been mentally well-enough to engage in the Sage-ing process that you have got so much out of, and which I'm familiar with too. She was a mother not-by-choice (she was 17 when she got pregnant with me) and I wonder what her unlived life might have been, had she been able to live it. I am childless-not-by-choice, and I've made peace with that, and accept that had I been a mother, it wouldn't necessarily have been a 'better' life than the one I've lived, just a different messy, imperfect human experience of being me.
I am newly 60 and in the foothills of old age, and looking ahead, the journey looks both fascinating and daunting. Thank you for bearing witness with your personal travelog; it's a huge help.
"The foothills of old age." Love that! My next book, now in the works, will be "What to Expect When You're Sixty: Adventures in the Secretly Wonderful Decade." Now that I'm 70, can look back from slightly higher ground.
Welcome to my messy life of which I don't even know half of it. The camera of consciousness pull back and I see more. I think acceptance is a large part of the journey. It's taken a long long time to see many things that happened and didn't happen and allow them into my perfected story of self. You're comment inspires me to write more about life review as a gateway to that land beyond right doing and wrong doing...
I remember in my 50's reading about folks who started out and had their biggest success in their 60's 70's. I hung onto that. And then how ageism has come up so much in public life like an irritant. I bristled. The word elderly I would correct to others frequently. Elderly is a word they use to convince you to toddle off into oblivion and that it is natural to go live in a nursing home. Ageism at its best and worst of it is that so many people bought it. I recently listened to Chip Conely ( I remembered him from joie de vivre hotels, an innovative venture and was surprised to see he was writing of getting older. This was last week I watched his videos.. he said in an interview just what I'd felt " yes and they even have a place to put us so we'll be out of sight" (ie nursing homes or assisted living etc) A surprise was that research showed that 75 in fact is the end of mid-life because we live so much longer. What I really loved was that when we get older we have digested knowledge into wisdom and it is time to share it. He calls us Modern Elders. For instance I see the big activist things we can do in the world, yet what I want to do now instead of striving and doing in that way, is to support those younger folk who are out there. Chip was hired by Air BnB as a Modern elder by a group of 20 somethings because they recognized he had knowledge they didn't due to his experience and age. So he was the in house Mentor accompanying them on their new endeavor. And it was a success. Vicki I think if we loved being out in the world trying to make a difference it doesn't change when we're 75 or 78 or beyond, yet how we participate to bring us joy might be different for our experience, knowledge, and wisdom is invaluable and much needed in the world .
I am 42, and goodness is it a relief to know aging brings further wisdom and courage to explore. Im so grateful to have your words guide me as I begin this "descent"
Thank you, Vicki! Your explorations are revealing and inspirational as I refuse to grow out of my curiosity of the emerging mystery! And I am more convinced than ever that what I do and don't do makes a difference. The stonebsplashing in the pond makes no less ripples if it comes from a recent volcano or from worn bedrock. We matter whether we want to or not. As I age, I am more picky the kind of "matter" I want to be!
Vicki. Wow. I'll read this again and out loud btw, more than once. Just a quick message this morning to thank you for inviting fellow travelers to unearth our own unique landscapes. Keep writing about this please.
I have this stack of invisible books in my To Be Written pile. The pile doesn't shrink when I publish a new book - instead, another takes its place. I wonder sometimes what life will be like when, inevitably, the pile stops growing and shrinks down to nothing. Who will I be then?
#WomenWriters #WomanAndAge
Me too! Projects set aside are now calling me, given i once had forever but I don't anymore
I feel like I'm pondering the same questions, except I'm 60. Here's what I concluded. Once a revolutionary . . . activist . . . justice seeker . . . ALWAYS a revolutionary . . . activist . . . just seeker. Maybe it's part of the genetics? Now it's a matter of figuring out how best to serve and contribute beyond the traditional workplace. And writing is an ageless way to contribute. Keep writing!
yes as i age I see what is essential - who always shows up when I show up - and what are passing forms for that essential self.
That is such an interesting thing to ponder; what do people in the public eye do after they "age out?. I think this is becoming more relevant as social media creates more so-called influencers and personal worth is often measured in this forum. I like that you considered that unrealistic idea that everyone with children and grandchildren end up in a comfortable cozy "valley". Media (endless pharmaceutical ads in particular if you're in the US) continues to perpetuate these gauzy images for us to compare our lives.
Please keep asking and musing on these overlooked questions about aging and childlessness.
thank you. if you are inclined, invite your friends to follow this blog so we increase the intelligences and life experiences gathered here
Thank you Vicki. It's comforting and intriguing to read your thoughts.
THIS: 'I’ve grieved, while celebrating all I’ve been able to do other than mothering.
This is just one example of all I have had to accept about my life."
Grieving while celebrating struck home for me. At the point of choice, in the moment, like Robert Frost's poem, we make the decision—it's hindsight that delivers the story context. Yet, as you say, there's reconciliation and acceptance. I don't regret any of the choices I've made, but I do ponder/wonder sometimes at the 'what could have been'.
What's helping resolve contradictions is seeing my life in a larger context, not to deny the anguish of some choices and the confusion of working a puzzle with pieces from two different scenes. The very cognitive dissonance may be the forge for this acceptance of all of it as just what happened.
YES! The larger context. I've been using this expression...'through the dark days of caregiving I've felt a larger amplitude of emotions, intensity, frequency, duration that's redefined and recalibrated me. In those days, we had to find the sparks of joy within the liminal spaces and the seismic jolts. Thankfully now, the pace is more predictable and even, although the pendulum swings and rollercoaster continue.'
The rollercoaster itself has muted any dissonance. I feel a greater need to appreciate the upward / peak moments IN the rollercoaster, rather than dwell too much on what's outside it.' Does that make sense? In short, the amplitudes have imparted greater wisdom
Yes yes yes and beautifully said
Thanks Vicki..
Thank you for this. As I move through the early years of my 50s, I'm hungry for inspiring examples of elderhood and new narratives that run counter to the mainstream story of decline. I love hearing you speak of ease and expansion in the later stage of life 😊
Thank you for the thoughtful question, "what do old people do?" I think where I can get in trouble is when I unconsciously add, "what are old people supposed to do?" Life only stops when we die -- until then, I believe that we can grow psychologically and spiritually to the very end. And this is the wilderness of the great what's next. Grateful for your essay. It makes me pause and ponder. Sending you all good wishes and goodwill.
Curiosity hasn’t killed this ole cat. Reading your thoughts activates more curiosity — even at 83 Thanks, Love!
Thank you for this essay Vicki, and for your willingness to share the process of 'life review', and that it can be a painful one. I once saw someone wearing a t-shirt that said "I survived my own bullshit" and I've never forgotten it! I have survived mine too, but as you write of your own journey, at what cost? There have been casualities along the way, and whilst I am well aware of the apologies I've never had from a few people, I suspect I've conveniently erased the few that others are owed from me...
You are now the age my mother would have been, had she not died of dementia last year, and her bullshit (and the intergenerational bullshit she had to ingest from her own mother) made her a very difficult person to love, but I loved her anyway. I wish she had lived long enough and been mentally well-enough to engage in the Sage-ing process that you have got so much out of, and which I'm familiar with too. She was a mother not-by-choice (she was 17 when she got pregnant with me) and I wonder what her unlived life might have been, had she been able to live it. I am childless-not-by-choice, and I've made peace with that, and accept that had I been a mother, it wouldn't necessarily have been a 'better' life than the one I've lived, just a different messy, imperfect human experience of being me.
I am newly 60 and in the foothills of old age, and looking ahead, the journey looks both fascinating and daunting. Thank you for bearing witness with your personal travelog; it's a huge help.
"The foothills of old age." Love that! My next book, now in the works, will be "What to Expect When You're Sixty: Adventures in the Secretly Wonderful Decade." Now that I'm 70, can look back from slightly higher ground.
I look forward to that Stella! x
Welcome to my messy life of which I don't even know half of it. The camera of consciousness pull back and I see more. I think acceptance is a large part of the journey. It's taken a long long time to see many things that happened and didn't happen and allow them into my perfected story of self. You're comment inspires me to write more about life review as a gateway to that land beyond right doing and wrong doing...
I remember in my 50's reading about folks who started out and had their biggest success in their 60's 70's. I hung onto that. And then how ageism has come up so much in public life like an irritant. I bristled. The word elderly I would correct to others frequently. Elderly is a word they use to convince you to toddle off into oblivion and that it is natural to go live in a nursing home. Ageism at its best and worst of it is that so many people bought it. I recently listened to Chip Conely ( I remembered him from joie de vivre hotels, an innovative venture and was surprised to see he was writing of getting older. This was last week I watched his videos.. he said in an interview just what I'd felt " yes and they even have a place to put us so we'll be out of sight" (ie nursing homes or assisted living etc) A surprise was that research showed that 75 in fact is the end of mid-life because we live so much longer. What I really loved was that when we get older we have digested knowledge into wisdom and it is time to share it. He calls us Modern Elders. For instance I see the big activist things we can do in the world, yet what I want to do now instead of striving and doing in that way, is to support those younger folk who are out there. Chip was hired by Air BnB as a Modern elder by a group of 20 somethings because they recognized he had knowledge they didn't due to his experience and age. So he was the in house Mentor accompanying them on their new endeavor. And it was a success. Vicki I think if we loved being out in the world trying to make a difference it doesn't change when we're 75 or 78 or beyond, yet how we participate to bring us joy might be different for our experience, knowledge, and wisdom is invaluable and much needed in the world .
I am 42, and goodness is it a relief to know aging brings further wisdom and courage to explore. Im so grateful to have your words guide me as I begin this "descent"
❤️❤️❤️
Bravo! I look forward to following you as you continue your explorations of this new state of being.
Thank you Don. Welcome to the inquiry.
Thank you, Vicki! Your explorations are revealing and inspirational as I refuse to grow out of my curiosity of the emerging mystery! And I am more convinced than ever that what I do and don't do makes a difference. The stonebsplashing in the pond makes no less ripples if it comes from a recent volcano or from worn bedrock. We matter whether we want to or not. As I age, I am more picky the kind of "matter" I want to be!
You are certainly a conversation starter for me!
Thank you. Please share it with friends and networks
Vicki. Wow. I'll read this again and out loud btw, more than once. Just a quick message this morning to thank you for inviting fellow travelers to unearth our own unique landscapes. Keep writing about this please.
Oh thank you. It's part personal essay, part narrative poetry, trying to evoke something that is in us all.