Vicki, I appreciate this story and your insights so much. We had a similar experience 20 years ago, where the perpetrator was a little more overtly compliant with norms but diabolically good at deflecting direct questions and conversations. Unfortunately she was also good at selecting an early ally in the household, which extended the saga to 9 months and cost us more money than I want to talk about. But we've also had wonderful people staying with us who became lifelong friends, so I choose to believe that an open heart brings more love than it does abuse.
once you have had this happen, you learn of so many many more people put through varying levels of this trauma. I've studied tenant rights law for nation and for WA, and have learned about a Mrs Murphy exception: if the owner lives in the house and there are 3 or fewer tenants, then the landlord has more rights. more to come.
Sorry this happened but you also invited this problem in to your life, literally. At the root of your decision, in my opinion, is a failure to believe that evil exists.
Before experience teaches you it does, here’s some good reading: George Simon’s A Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing and M Scott Peck’s People of the Lie.
Don’t project your beautiful characteristics and qualities onto people who do not possess them.
Nor should you project your jaundice on other's efforts to find a middle way. I did not vet O, violating my own rules, but 95% of my dozens of tenants have been good to wonderful. Part of my work in this life is to build community. Humans are the raw, sometimes very raw, material. But it's what we have and the alternative, a world of protection and suspicion, is a downgrade. So I choose complexity and nuance along with being clear eyed and alert.
Harsh words, but you're right, many of us are vulnerable to assuming that others share our own values and behaviours. Ah, the field assistant, a woman my age who promised she loved and respected me and would never do anything to hurt anyone nonetheless ploughed ahead like a determined wrecking ball into my family as a cunning and very deliberate strategy for financial security. How lucky that I had not offered her my guest room. So glad that Vicki has written this. We all need to temper our goodness with a certain sharp wariness. xx
Sorry for the harshness. I guess I've grown too old to beat around the bush about things. :-) Bad actors always know where to find their prey. We must be vigilant!
Do you know of Dr. Ramani on YouTube? She's wonderful. Another straight shooter regarding narcissistic abuse and guarding against being a victim.
Thank you for having the courage to tell this story, and for being the Vicki you are now, as well as the Vicki you will be down the road. There are people who game our sympathy, who know how to slip through cracks and then hold tight to whatever hidy-hole they have found. I am glad that you found a way to get yourself out of that situation, that you had backup, that you didn't wait until something worse happened. And I am sorry that this person choses to be the way they are, or is so ill they can only be this way. She is living a sad story, and I am very glad things did not get worse while she was in your house. Thank you for your generous heart and also for protecting yourself!
I know exactly who you are talking about and she is getting quite the reputation w the sheriff department for doing this. She is definitely preying on older people. Unfortunately I am forever tied to her as she is the mother of my nephew. She showed up at my house recently & my mom let her stay for 2 nights during which time I confronted her w her behavior and her thieving ways. She proved me right by stealing my irreplaceable set of the full works of Shakespeare from the 1700s given to me by my grandmother.
She is cunning, a narcissist; she gaslights people with ease. She thinks only of herself. At the same time there is definitely a mental illness component involved. She writes to world leaders nonstop and thinks she has the answers for world peace - but only if people pay her for her wisdom.
I am sorry you were hurt by her. I helped JK get to leave and cleaned up after her not realizing she was making this her M.O.
I understand that you were possibly left w some of her items. If you want me to come remove them, email me. I'm getting quite the collection. ~ le sigh ~
Vicki, I'm so sorry you had to experience this. But so grateful you enlisted support and acted on your own behalf. Thank you for sharing with all of us, bringing awareness and prompting some of us to action.
Vicki, I spent 17 years working on court reform, specializing in elder abuse, neglect, and exploitation, and adult guardianships, before becoming a financial coach. You were smart to tackle this early, and your comment about worrying O making you out to be the suspect is spot on. Unfortunately, law enforcement officers and prosecutors don't receive a lot of training on the dynamics of elder abuse and exploitation, and hold on to stereotypes of feeble-minded elderly. Most exploitation occurs between family members, and sometimes the "new best friend" who sweeps in at a time when we're vulnerable. You stood your ground early. Keep standing. Let me know if you want any resources to pass along to your readers.
Vicki, I spent 17 years working on court reform, specializing in elder abuse, neglect, and exploitation, and adult guardianships, before becoming a financial coach. You were smart to tackle this early, and your comment about worrying O making you out to be the suspect is spot on. Unfortunately, law enforcement officers and prosecutors don't receive a lot of training on the dynamics of elder abuse and exploitation, and hold on to stereotypes of feeble-minded elderly. Most exploitation occurs between family members, and sometimes the "new best friend" who sweeps in at a time when we're vulnerable. You stood your ground early. Keep standing. Let me know if you want any resources to pass along to your readers.
yes yes yes. resources. i want to support and embody safe sharing, because not sharing in this unfair world just lets us slide further towards social breakdown. I imagine there's a way to carve out the tenant rights laws for this idea of "in-home suites" https://in-homesuites.org. and mind you i have two suites on the ground floor of my home and i have been 95% safe and pleased.
Vicki, I'm thinking more along the lines of educating older persons on the signs of elder abuse, neglect, and exploitation. The National Center on Elder Abuse - https://ncea.acl.gov/ - has some good resources. You used the term "gaslighting," which is not very well known and you identified the "red flags." That's a very high level of awareness that I wouldn't expect of most people. You might want to focus on screening applicants, warning signs, and how to get help. I've seen people maneuver themselves to be the power of attorney agent or the guardian or conservator and use that authority to drain bank accounts and even sell the property.
gulp... it happened to me / us in San Francisco - it cost over $5K in attorney fees. We are a new clan - those that became gullible in our generosity and taken advantage of. This is a sign of our times. I could write a book... but ultimately .. to feel safe and insulated again... we move forward.
I'm so sorry to hear that this happened. I'm a recently retired advocate for older people, and just wanted to thank you for sharing this, because this type of thing happens far more frequently than most people know. We don't hear a lot about this because folks are often embarrassed to tell others; they wonder how they could have been duped, as competent adults. Having the courage to tell this story publicly will almost certainly help others!
Thank you Jill. this experience has sobered but not stopped me in a project called In-Home Suites https://in-homesuites.org. Its a strategy for increasing workforce housing if/when empowered homeowners choose to convert part of their homes into suites - separate entrance, separate bath and kitchenette. Give us some advice. How do we keep this safe enough for homeowners, and safe for tenants and not stumble into laws that prevent us from getting rid of bad tenants.?
Thanks for writing this up, especially given their is still trauma around the experience for you. We too have set up our home with a space where we (or I since I’m 15 years older than my spouse) can have live in help/care. Our state has robust tenant protections but they are quite modified when it involves a live-in owner. All of that to say, thanks to this, we will continue to do homework on this approach that we hope will benefit not only us, but people in our community.
Vicki, I appreciate this story and your insights so much. We had a similar experience 20 years ago, where the perpetrator was a little more overtly compliant with norms but diabolically good at deflecting direct questions and conversations. Unfortunately she was also good at selecting an early ally in the household, which extended the saga to 9 months and cost us more money than I want to talk about. But we've also had wonderful people staying with us who became lifelong friends, so I choose to believe that an open heart brings more love than it does abuse.
once you have had this happen, you learn of so many many more people put through varying levels of this trauma. I've studied tenant rights law for nation and for WA, and have learned about a Mrs Murphy exception: if the owner lives in the house and there are 3 or fewer tenants, then the landlord has more rights. more to come.
Sorry this happened but you also invited this problem in to your life, literally. At the root of your decision, in my opinion, is a failure to believe that evil exists.
Before experience teaches you it does, here’s some good reading: George Simon’s A Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing and M Scott Peck’s People of the Lie.
Don’t project your beautiful characteristics and qualities onto people who do not possess them.
Nor should you project your jaundice on other's efforts to find a middle way. I did not vet O, violating my own rules, but 95% of my dozens of tenants have been good to wonderful. Part of my work in this life is to build community. Humans are the raw, sometimes very raw, material. But it's what we have and the alternative, a world of protection and suspicion, is a downgrade. So I choose complexity and nuance along with being clear eyed and alert.
Harsh words, but you're right, many of us are vulnerable to assuming that others share our own values and behaviours. Ah, the field assistant, a woman my age who promised she loved and respected me and would never do anything to hurt anyone nonetheless ploughed ahead like a determined wrecking ball into my family as a cunning and very deliberate strategy for financial security. How lucky that I had not offered her my guest room. So glad that Vicki has written this. We all need to temper our goodness with a certain sharp wariness. xx
Sorry for the harshness. I guess I've grown too old to beat around the bush about things. :-) Bad actors always know where to find their prey. We must be vigilant!
Do you know of Dr. Ramani on YouTube? She's wonderful. Another straight shooter regarding narcissistic abuse and guarding against being a victim.
Thank you for having the courage to tell this story, and for being the Vicki you are now, as well as the Vicki you will be down the road. There are people who game our sympathy, who know how to slip through cracks and then hold tight to whatever hidy-hole they have found. I am glad that you found a way to get yourself out of that situation, that you had backup, that you didn't wait until something worse happened. And I am sorry that this person choses to be the way they are, or is so ill they can only be this way. She is living a sad story, and I am very glad things did not get worse while she was in your house. Thank you for your generous heart and also for protecting yourself!
What a kind reflection. Thank you
I know exactly who you are talking about and she is getting quite the reputation w the sheriff department for doing this. She is definitely preying on older people. Unfortunately I am forever tied to her as she is the mother of my nephew. She showed up at my house recently & my mom let her stay for 2 nights during which time I confronted her w her behavior and her thieving ways. She proved me right by stealing my irreplaceable set of the full works of Shakespeare from the 1700s given to me by my grandmother.
She is cunning, a narcissist; she gaslights people with ease. She thinks only of herself. At the same time there is definitely a mental illness component involved. She writes to world leaders nonstop and thinks she has the answers for world peace - but only if people pay her for her wisdom.
I am sorry you were hurt by her. I helped JK get to leave and cleaned up after her not realizing she was making this her M.O.
I understand that you were possibly left w some of her items. If you want me to come remove them, email me. I'm getting quite the collection. ~ le sigh ~
thank you for helping me. it was like a big exhale and let me feel what i just went through.
You're welcome. I'm hope this brought you a sense of closure.
Vicki, I'm so sorry you had to experience this. But so grateful you enlisted support and acted on your own behalf. Thank you for sharing with all of us, bringing awareness and prompting some of us to action.
to paraphrase the title of a Cormac McCarthy novel: No Country for Old People". Glad you have a crafted a community to call on.
Oy vey
Vicki, I spent 17 years working on court reform, specializing in elder abuse, neglect, and exploitation, and adult guardianships, before becoming a financial coach. You were smart to tackle this early, and your comment about worrying O making you out to be the suspect is spot on. Unfortunately, law enforcement officers and prosecutors don't receive a lot of training on the dynamics of elder abuse and exploitation, and hold on to stereotypes of feeble-minded elderly. Most exploitation occurs between family members, and sometimes the "new best friend" who sweeps in at a time when we're vulnerable. You stood your ground early. Keep standing. Let me know if you want any resources to pass along to your readers.
Vicki, I spent 17 years working on court reform, specializing in elder abuse, neglect, and exploitation, and adult guardianships, before becoming a financial coach. You were smart to tackle this early, and your comment about worrying O making you out to be the suspect is spot on. Unfortunately, law enforcement officers and prosecutors don't receive a lot of training on the dynamics of elder abuse and exploitation, and hold on to stereotypes of feeble-minded elderly. Most exploitation occurs between family members, and sometimes the "new best friend" who sweeps in at a time when we're vulnerable. You stood your ground early. Keep standing. Let me know if you want any resources to pass along to your readers.
yes yes yes. resources. i want to support and embody safe sharing, because not sharing in this unfair world just lets us slide further towards social breakdown. I imagine there's a way to carve out the tenant rights laws for this idea of "in-home suites" https://in-homesuites.org. and mind you i have two suites on the ground floor of my home and i have been 95% safe and pleased.
Vicki, I'm thinking more along the lines of educating older persons on the signs of elder abuse, neglect, and exploitation. The National Center on Elder Abuse - https://ncea.acl.gov/ - has some good resources. You used the term "gaslighting," which is not very well known and you identified the "red flags." That's a very high level of awareness that I wouldn't expect of most people. You might want to focus on screening applicants, warning signs, and how to get help. I've seen people maneuver themselves to be the power of attorney agent or the guardian or conservator and use that authority to drain bank accounts and even sell the property.
You're so lucky to have gotten her out of your home! Thank you for sharing.
That’s a harrowing tale.
gulp... it happened to me / us in San Francisco - it cost over $5K in attorney fees. We are a new clan - those that became gullible in our generosity and taken advantage of. This is a sign of our times. I could write a book... but ultimately .. to feel safe and insulated again... we move forward.
So glad you’re safe.
I'm so sorry to hear that this happened. I'm a recently retired advocate for older people, and just wanted to thank you for sharing this, because this type of thing happens far more frequently than most people know. We don't hear a lot about this because folks are often embarrassed to tell others; they wonder how they could have been duped, as competent adults. Having the courage to tell this story publicly will almost certainly help others!
Thank you Jill. this experience has sobered but not stopped me in a project called In-Home Suites https://in-homesuites.org. Its a strategy for increasing workforce housing if/when empowered homeowners choose to convert part of their homes into suites - separate entrance, separate bath and kitchenette. Give us some advice. How do we keep this safe enough for homeowners, and safe for tenants and not stumble into laws that prevent us from getting rid of bad tenants.?
Thanks for writing this up, especially given their is still trauma around the experience for you. We too have set up our home with a space where we (or I since I’m 15 years older than my spouse) can have live in help/care. Our state has robust tenant protections but they are quite modified when it involves a live-in owner. All of that to say, thanks to this, we will continue to do homework on this approach that we hope will benefit not only us, but people in our community.
You did the right thing. Sending you support.