That's so funny because Janet Yellen was just talking about her regrets. She pointed out that she was in the same graduating class as you. She noted that, though you didn't change the world, you had about as big an impact on it as any one person could. But Yellen didn't do squat. We think of Fed board chair as a position of influence, but it's only influential within a set of norms. Had she tried to alter those norms, her peers would've rebuffed and ousted her. All that hard work climbing ladders was a dead end, all for naught! When it comes to a life well lived, she can't hold a candle to you.
"In some plays, we are bit players. In some we get a speaking role. Ultimately it’s the larger story that matters, and the privilege of being part of it at all."
You have your meme - REGRETS TEACH US, NOT BEAT US. Life happens. Regrets are part of life. How you relate to them is up to you. Regrets as a teacher, not as a persecutor, seems to me the better way to go.
Very interesting. I've always said I don't have regrets (well, I wish I had chosen Beach Rescue as an activity when at boarding school, instead of plumping for what I knew, which was about ponies; and I think it would have been a great idea to have started saving for a pension when I was in my twenties!)
But really I just don't view life like this. Because I use everything that happens as a way to wisdom, a door to be opened, to peek around and see what I'm being invited to play with. Sometimes it takes time to connect with this way of thinking, but I wouldn't be the person I am (and quite like, at last!) if the things that have happened in my life hadn't.
Most people see regret as something to get rid of.
I don't.
I see regret as one of wisdom's teachers.
Regret occurs when we finally see something we could not—or would not—see before. We recognize a choice, an action, a failure to act, or a missed opportunity and realize its consequences.
Without that realization, there is no regret.
And without that realization, there is often no wisdom.
The question is not whether you have regrets. Any honest life will contain them.
The question is: What do you do with them?
Many people use regret to punish themselves.
They replay the past.
They relitigate old decisions.
They become prisoners of what cannot be changed.
That produces suffering, not wisdom.
Wisdom begins when regret becomes instruction rather than accusation.
Instead of asking:
"Why did I do that?"
the wiser question becomes:
"What did that experience teach me that I could not have learned any other way?"
This is wonderful, Vicki! I plan to write about my own inventory of regrets. I don't think there are many, but the ones I hold deeply remain vivid in my memories. I've been thinking about my mom, who died at the end of 2021, and how the last few years of her life were spent confronting her less-than-healthy decisions and deep regrets, much of it rooted in desperate attempts to be loved.
There's a new book called From Mistakes to Meaning: Owning your past so it doesn't own you, and the authors have given several interviews and discussions and are on YouTube.
thank you Sue, i'll check it out. untangling my past has been so liberating. it's taken work. truth telling. acceptance. amends, letting go. forgiveness. the whole enchilada
Your article prompted me to do a fearless and searching moral, boldness, etc. inventory. That was a very satisfying process for me and I am super happy with the decisions I have made along the way. I know that is not something everyone can say. I credit my parents for my good fortune. All my life I would thank them for giving me a jumpstart on life and they would just say things like aw shucks we got lucky to have a kid like you. I feel truly blessed.
clearly i had different parents and lots of missteps or missed opportunities along the way, yet that makes such life review even more powerful, even if at times unbearable. as ram dass said,, it's all grist for the mill. i had a lot of grist. i am wistful about what i might have done with a father, good mentors, an education aligned with my nature and passions, more grounded companions in my 30s, maybe children - but it's amazing to see how true nature may assert itself, no matter the circumstance. My work from forty on has been such a great ride. And I got people like you in my life - borrowing sanity, education, experience from others that was missing in my own swiss cheese earlier life. You are a treasure for me.
It is wonderful how your true nature as a thought leader asserted itself by age 40.....kind of makes one trust life's unfolding. Sending you much love.
"our regrets turn out to be our tools of transformation" There are so many lines in your article I love but this one hit home.
That's so funny because Janet Yellen was just talking about her regrets. She pointed out that she was in the same graduating class as you. She noted that, though you didn't change the world, you had about as big an impact on it as any one person could. But Yellen didn't do squat. We think of Fed board chair as a position of influence, but it's only influential within a set of norms. Had she tried to alter those norms, her peers would've rebuffed and ousted her. All that hard work climbing ladders was a dead end, all for naught! When it comes to a life well lived, she can't hold a candle to you.
What a delightful response, and I'll take it on fully! Poor Janet to have so many regrets
Regret isn’t worth spending time on
"In some plays, we are bit players. In some we get a speaking role. Ultimately it’s the larger story that matters, and the privilege of being part of it at all."
Beautiful! Words to live by, Vicki.
The 4 types of regrets is such a useful framework for reflection & letting go, too. Thank you!
You have your meme - REGRETS TEACH US, NOT BEAT US. Life happens. Regrets are part of life. How you relate to them is up to you. Regrets as a teacher, not as a persecutor, seems to me the better way to go.
Very interesting. I've always said I don't have regrets (well, I wish I had chosen Beach Rescue as an activity when at boarding school, instead of plumping for what I knew, which was about ponies; and I think it would have been a great idea to have started saving for a pension when I was in my twenties!)
But really I just don't view life like this. Because I use everything that happens as a way to wisdom, a door to be opened, to peek around and see what I'm being invited to play with. Sometimes it takes time to connect with this way of thinking, but I wouldn't be the person I am (and quite like, at last!) if the things that have happened in my life hadn't.
Most people see regret as something to get rid of.
I don't.
I see regret as one of wisdom's teachers.
Regret occurs when we finally see something we could not—or would not—see before. We recognize a choice, an action, a failure to act, or a missed opportunity and realize its consequences.
Without that realization, there is no regret.
And without that realization, there is often no wisdom.
The question is not whether you have regrets. Any honest life will contain them.
The question is: What do you do with them?
Many people use regret to punish themselves.
They replay the past.
They relitigate old decisions.
They become prisoners of what cannot be changed.
That produces suffering, not wisdom.
Wisdom begins when regret becomes instruction rather than accusation.
Instead of asking:
"Why did I do that?"
the wiser question becomes:
"What did that experience teach me that I could not have learned any other way?"
Regret can teach humility.
It softens certainty.
It exposes self-deception.
It deepens compassion for others' mistakes.
An Elder doesn't ask:
"How do I get rid of my regrets?"
An Elder asks:
"What wisdom is this regret trying to teach me?"
what a great way to express the gifts regrets can be, if allowed to teach us, not beat us.
This is wonderful, Vicki! I plan to write about my own inventory of regrets. I don't think there are many, but the ones I hold deeply remain vivid in my memories. I've been thinking about my mom, who died at the end of 2021, and how the last few years of her life were spent confronting her less-than-healthy decisions and deep regrets, much of it rooted in desperate attempts to be loved.
There's a new book called From Mistakes to Meaning: Owning your past so it doesn't own you, and the authors have given several interviews and discussions and are on YouTube.
thank you Sue, i'll check it out. untangling my past has been so liberating. it's taken work. truth telling. acceptance. amends, letting go. forgiveness. the whole enchilada
Your article prompted me to do a fearless and searching moral, boldness, etc. inventory. That was a very satisfying process for me and I am super happy with the decisions I have made along the way. I know that is not something everyone can say. I credit my parents for my good fortune. All my life I would thank them for giving me a jumpstart on life and they would just say things like aw shucks we got lucky to have a kid like you. I feel truly blessed.
clearly i had different parents and lots of missteps or missed opportunities along the way, yet that makes such life review even more powerful, even if at times unbearable. as ram dass said,, it's all grist for the mill. i had a lot of grist. i am wistful about what i might have done with a father, good mentors, an education aligned with my nature and passions, more grounded companions in my 30s, maybe children - but it's amazing to see how true nature may assert itself, no matter the circumstance. My work from forty on has been such a great ride. And I got people like you in my life - borrowing sanity, education, experience from others that was missing in my own swiss cheese earlier life. You are a treasure for me.
It is wonderful how your true nature as a thought leader asserted itself by age 40.....kind of makes one trust life's unfolding. Sending you much love.